Review: H. Upmann 1844 Reserve & the Modern McDonald’s McRib

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Posted by Sven Hans “Boom Boom” Gruber.

Bad: H. Upmann 1844 Reserve - Man this cigar did nothing for me bro! I puffed the bastard hard, trying to get it to light up my palate with some dopeness but it just never took off. This cigar was bland and papery, I also noticed that it was a little wet. So essentially, this cigar was like smoking a wet cardboard box. I guess it wasn’t terrible but it did nothing to get me geared up for a long night of playing Twisted Metal 2. If this cigar had balls, I’d kick them. This cigar has a vagina but it’s not even worthy of fucking. If this cigar had a face, I’d cum in its eye and walk away like a prick. Fuck this cigar.

Tasting Notes: Wet cardboard box, sweat from a cat’s pussy, old but gross tobacco, pieces of a leftover mollusk no one ate over a week ago, uncooked corn, soggy croutons, damp postage stamps, the backside of a factory sticker torn off of a new tire that has been stored in strong humidity.

Worse: The Modern McDonald’s McRib – Jesus what the fuck happened to this goddamned sandwich?!?!?! It used to be like BBQ lathered ass sex for my taste buds and now it tastes like overly BBQ lathered foreskin from a deceased sow. For something that has no bones and is on a fucking bun it is ten times messier to eat than actual ribs? When I was done chowing down on this piece of pig penis, I noticed that half of the sauce was on the toe of my boots! The other half of the sauce was all over the table, all over my arm, my shirt, my pants and the floor around me. If anyone walked in and saw me, they would’ve been convinced that I was a cold blooded killer! The flavor sucks now! McDonnies must’ve changed something because this pork patty was just gross as fuck. Too much awful sauce (which used to be good) and just a terrible mini-slab of sixth-rate meat. I’d rather have K.C. Masterpiece smeared on a goat’s dick than eat the modern version of the McRib again!

Tasting Notes: Disease covered in bad BBQ sauce, BBQed pig testicles covered in bad BBQ sauce, onions marinated in shit marinated in already digested and processed bad BBQ sauce, grease from the forehead of a bum mixed with bad BBQ sauce, sewage lathered in bad BBQ sauce, used toilet paper from a stuffed up toilet stirred vigorously with bad BBQ sauce, breast milk ice cream and pickles under a hefty layer of bad BBQ sauce, slightly good BBQ sauce overpowered by a mixture of bad BBQ sauce.

Review: My Uzi Weighs a Ton by Drew Estate

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Posted by Six by Sexty.

Bad: My Uzi Weighs a Ton – The best thing about this cigar is the stupid ass video on YouTube of Jonathan Drew and his boys jumping around like a bunch of monkeys during the first box opening of this cigar. My Uzi Weighs a Ton.. Ha! My dick weighs a ton. This cigar wouldn’t sell if it was called “best pussy ever”. Light one of these bitches up and you might as well tuck your sack back.

Tasting notes: Goat piss, curdled milk, horse shit, modeled cheese, and the taste you get when you lick a cats asshole.

Review: La Sirena Sea Sprite & Swag Limitada 99

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Posted by Krab Ass Kenny.

Good: La Sirena Sea Sprite – This son of a bitch was awesome. It had flavor, aroma and a nice punch to the palate. The best part of this cigar is it gave me powers from the otherside. I was immediately clairvoyant and found myself talking to the ghost of Eddie Murphy’s career. Between puffs of this cigar and good conversation with an apparition that had Axl Foley’s distinctive laugh, I was taken on a magical journey where King Poseidon himself gave me the keys to his seven daughters vaginas. Maybe I was just in my own personal state of ecstasy because these sticks were so good. I guess I’ll have to smoke another one and find out!

Tasting Notes: Lew Alcindor’s hook shot from the ’71 NBA Finals, ground T-Rex toenails, spicy tuna roll, bacon wrapped sea serpent, a room full of treasure, peyote blossoms, Jaws’ teeth (the shark not the Bond villain), Randy Quaid’s crop-dusting bi-plane from “Independence Day”.

Bad: Swag Limitada 99 – I know that it is technically “Limitado” but I spelled it “Limitada” as that is the feminine spelling of the word. Why did I do that? Well, I felt like a total bitch smoking this cigar! This cigar has a dumb name. Swag is so lame. Swag stands for stuff we all get, in this case, we all got jipped! I thought this cigar would rule, I should’ve known that it was just hype! I mean isn’t Swag a deodorant flavor? That’s what this tasted like: a tobacco leaf rolled up and sprayed with Walgreens spray deodorant.

Tasting Notes: Walgreens spray deodorant, Axe body spray, broken Ecco the Dolphin video game cartridges, sticky gunk from a knock-off brand Swiss Army knife, a tumbleweed of dirt and body hair from an obese man’s sweaty belly button, possum dingleberry, a BETA Max tape, a blueberry scraped off the side of Carrot Top’s toilet.

Review: E.P. Carrillo Especial Sumatra Churchill & Nicarao

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Posted by Johnny Longsocks O’Mulligan.

Good: E.P. Carrillo Especial Sumatra Churchill – This cigar was so fucking good it made my dick explode with candy and chicken nuggets! Never have I been so titillated, well not counting that time that I got a handjob from a midget in a dinosaur costume. E.P. Carrillo dropped another classic on us and to say that this cigar didn’t change my life would be an understatement. This cigar is better than fucking the Norwegian bikini team on the back of a super soft luckdragon.

Tasting Notes: Big fat gold bars, dragons wrapped in leather, black bear gaze, Desert Storm A-10 Thunderbolts, a bacon cheeseburger stacked on top of a double bacon cheeseburger stacked on top of a triple bacon cheeseburger wrapped in bacon and deep fried in the sweat of Jesus, stacks of clean money, Andre the Giant’s bicep, coconut shrimp.

Bad: Nicarao – This cigar was about as yummy as having an actual dried up piece of longhorn shit lodged into your mouth. It gave me a headache, it made me vomit all over my Dockers and penny loafers and ultimately it forced my dog to run away and find shelter in the cab of my ex-wife’s boyfriend’s 2002 Dodge Dakota; fuck that redneck! To make a long story short, this cigar wasn’t horrible it was beyond horrible. It was so awful that I would rather spend a week lost in Nell Carter’s deceased cunt than to ever puff one of these shit sticks again.

Tasting Notes: Used tampons, roach feces, rotted salmon skin, the makeup from Gene Simmons nut sack, larvae, pulverized rhinoceros foreskin, A/C coolant hoses, granny panties covered in granny dumplings.

Opinion: Alec Bradley

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Posted by Elvis Cridlington.

When they’re good they’re good, when they’re bad, they’re just fucking annoying. I feel the need to say something because this isn’t a rare occurance. I would pretty confidently say that I experience a problem with the quality/construction of an AB about 40-50% of the time I pick one up. Most commonly is simply a lack of filler in the cigar causing holes. They’re are few things I hate more than having to relight every 3 minutes. I know they are “aware of the issue”, but AB needs to take this problem a little more seriously.

Review: 601 La Bomba & Cusano Cuvée Blanc

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Posted by Krab Ass Kenny.

Good: 601 La Bomba by EO Brands – If you are a punk ass bitch, this is NOT your cigar! You have been warned folks. You need to stay away from this bad ass motherfucker if you can’t man up and puff some nuclear powered premium tobacco. This cigar blew my mind. I have loved everything ever put out by EO Brands over the years but this cigar takes the whole damn cake! This is the best thing that they have ever produced. It is a great compliment to their line and it has definitely set a new standard for EO to live up to. Not to say that their other stuff isn’t good, all their cigars are good. This one is the one that changed the game however. Open wide kids and smoke the fuck out of this championship caliber treat!

Tasting Notes: Essence of hydrogen bomb, beautiful lush forests, Tyler Durden’s abs, warm overly watched ‘Expendables’ DVDs, dragon chest hair, broken up pieces after a planet collision, screams of the Uruk-hai, cheesecake from the kitchen on the Death Star.

Bad: Cusano Cuvée Blanc – I hated this thing. It was so damn bad that puffing on it made my mind flashback to that scene in ‘The Shining’ where that nasty naked old lady got out of the tub and wiggled her fun bags. This cigar was that bad but it was like tasting that nasty old bitch, not just seeing her! When I blew this out through my nose, it was like someone was pulling razor wire rapidly through my nostrils! This razor wire was very dry and dusty however and kind of smelled like mothballs wrapped in elderly person’s sweaty socks. Also, after I smoked this cigar I noticed that I had crabs all over my scrotum. I can’t necessarily say I got them from the cigar but c’mon, what kind of a coincidence would that be?

Tasting Notes: Fish blood, vuvuzelas, the elderly, rotten zombie brown eye, dodo bird beak mucus, a lab sample of gum disease from a muskrat, tetanus, melted humidistat from a fire damaged refrigerator.

Review: E.P. Carrillo Edicion Inaugural 2009

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Posted by Elvis Cridlington

Theres two things I’m sick of hearing about in the cigar industry; experience and family. When I first heard about EPC cigars a few years ago, all I heard about was blah, blah, La Gloria Cubana, blah, blah. Well, whatever. I don’t care where you’re from, I care how your shit smokes.

REALLY FUCKING GOOD: The cigar for props is the Edicion Inaugural 2009; a throwback. I say that because these cigars were hard enough to score a few years ago, and when they were done they were done. These guys don’t play the “limited release until we make a shit ton of money off ‘em and then they magically appear on shelves again game”. This on honestly one of the first cigars I smoked that really stopped be in my boots. This cigar came wrapped in a deceptively light wrapper. I usually toss these lighter looking cigars aside for pussies who can’t handle a real cigar, but this was nothing short of the real deal. If you ever happen across one of these in your buddies humidor, steal that shit and smoke it immediately.

Tasting Notes: Hundred Dollar Bills, Daniel Craig’s hair, Krispy Kream Doughnuts, Burning a Dry Christmas Tree

Definition of a Cigar Dick, According to the Urban Dictionary

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CIGAR DICK: The act of having anal sex, then having the reciver shit while reciving the anal sex. When you take your penis out, it should be brown and resemble a cigar. Then you make the reciver give you head and clean the shit off your penis. Its almost like there smoking a cigar, of the Cuban variety, because there cheap and taste like shit.

Jimmy just gave his girlfriend a nice ol’ cuban cigar.

Review: La Flor Dominicana Air Bender & CAO OSA Sol

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Posted by Johnny Longsocks O’Mulligan.

Good: La Flor Dominicana Air Bender – This cigar was better than buttsex with a hot and horny blonde Russian cosmonaut! If you have never done that, do it! Then smoke the Air Bender because to do so in reverse will ruin the experience of some of the greatest sex a man (or a woman) could ever have. Now I was skeptical about this cigar because it is named after an M. Night Shamamamamamarama film but it was nowhere near as bad as his subpar films. In fact, this cigar was greater than the top five movies of all time rolled into one. This cigar was like Christ in a leaf. It was one of the holiest experiences of my life and actually my previous lives (including my previous incarnations as a rabbit, a bolt of lightning and a werewolf). Most cigars cannot come close to the awesomeness of the Air Bender. The few that do still hide in the background as the LFD’s glory stick runs the show wherever it goes!

Tasting Notes: A $2000+ bottle of red wine, cosmonaut pussy, Cthulhu wrapped in bacon, samurais wrestling bears, Mechagodzilla, tiramisu with gold flakes, super premium bourbon flavored sno-cone, pterodactyl battle cry.

Bad: CAO OSA Sol – What the fuck? No seriously, what the fuck? This cigar turned my skin green and burnt my palate like the vat of chemicals that gave birth to the Joker. This was earthy in a bad bad way. It was like smoking top soil mixed with hibachi-chopped earthworm and dung beetle larvae. I thought my face was going to melt off like a Nazi opening the Ark of the Covenant! The only good thing about this smoke was the fact that the band looked cool. However putting a nice dress on a half-drunk rhinoceros doesn’t make it a good fuck. In the end, rhino pussy just leaks all over your nice Z. Cavaricci pants and you’re left with a mutant rhino-human baby that you have to raise to one day kill a clan of ninja turtles. This cigar will never touch my lips again! If it does, I will give myself a serious motherfucking beat down.

Tasting Notes: The foreskin of a leper, Jheri curl activator, rancor jizz, jellied mosquitos, hemorrhoid juice from a burnt sloth, sweaty mustache shavings from Rosie O’Donnell’s upper lip, elephant kidney stone, asbestos flakes over water damaged drywall.

Review: Bahia Gold

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Posted by Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

This cigar doesn’t live up to the gold standard. In fact, it was so bad that Michael Jackson was forced to come back from the dead and record an album called “Good”. After I smoked this dried up turd I pissed blood for a good 3 hour and 45. I remember a long long time ago when Bahia made some quality shit. Somewhere along the line these cigars became as deadly as the plague. Even half a bottle of grain alcohol couldn’t wash the nastiness of this off of my palate. It was ALMOST as bad as a Lars Teten cigar. I will never EVER smoke another Bahia product as long as I live, unless of course I decide to smoke a few in an attempt to commit suicide. However that would be absolutely horrible! I’d have to commit suicide a less painful way like throwing myself feet-first into a wood chipper. I wish that these cigars were the same as they were back in the 90′s but then again they killed Kurt Cobain so maybe my palate just sucked back then.